Good evening, my neighbors! Mimi has entered the chat. I know it must be a new year because more often than not, I’m leaving the chat or putting it on mute! I’m here to talk about boundaries. There is so much advice out there about how to set boundaries, and since most of it has not helped me to process my challenges with boundary setting, I’ve decided to write something for myself. The “Boundaries are for you!” mantra does little for someone like me who has been wired to prioritize others’ needs, desires, and expectations before my own. I kept focusing on others while telling myself I would eventually get to me. The wait felt longer than the wait for a delayed 2 train running local on a Saturday afternoon. This Bronx baby learned that if I’m really trying to get to my destination, sometimes I have to take a different route. There is always another way.
This was the mindset I had when I sent the message below to my family.
Hello Family!
I hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to share more about my dissertation process so that you can know what to expect from me and how to support me during this time.
A key milestone to finishing the dissertation is having your dissertation proposal approved. The proposal is a 50–75 page paper that articulates in detail how you plan to carry out your dissertation.
My goal is to defend my dissertation at the latest in the Winter semester of 2025. Ideally, I’d like to be done before then. This means that I have to defend my dissertation proposal by the end of this May.
In the next year and especially in the next 4 months, I will be dedicating my time to pursuing these goals, which means that my time/availability will be limited. More specifically:
- I am reserving 8 AM to 3 PM daily for uninterrupted writing. Unless there is an emergency, please do not call me during these hours.
- The best times to reach me via phone will be from Friday to Sunday. I try to check my text messages daily; however, if I’m slow to respond to something urgent, feel free to send me a gentle nudge/reminder.
- I will be staying in (insert location) from February to April with no outside travel except for 2 conferences I’ll be attending in March and April.
- I will have to relinquish my responsibility as the facilitator of family gift giving. I am happy to contribute but I won’t be able to rally folks to select and purchase gifts.
This is not me saying I’m going away/cutting myself off from everyone. Your support in the form of encouraging notes, calls, cash, and Uber Eats gift cards is needed now more than ever! I am saying, however, that I will be showing up differently than I have in the past because I am committed to becoming Dr. Owusu!
I’ll keep you updated. Pray for Your Girl.
Burnout — the kind that a few nights of sleep cannot cure — hit me like a ton of bricks at the end of 2023. I knew that if my goal was to graduate in April 2025, I had to do something I had not done before. So I decided to put me first (insert Taraji GIF from “Empire”).
My therapist and I debriefed and unpacked my message, so I will spare y’all a bar for bar analysis of my message. I encourage you to not do what I did after I sent it, which is to review everything I could’ve/should’ve said. Don’t act surprised — in my first blog post, I let y’all know I am a work in progress. This is what progress looks like: growth and areas of improvement in action at the same time. So back to celebrating me. I am so proud of the version of me that wrote this message and the past version of me that I had to be to get here. In this specific circumstance, “No,” indeed a full sentence, was not sufficient enough for me. My family has played an instrumental role in getting me to this program, and they will be even more instrumental in helping me get through it. They deserved a note that detailed the goals I am working towards and the support that I need to meet these goals. Boundaries are for all of us.
Setting boundaries has unlocked a few “ah-has” for me.
I realized that when people truly love you, they ultimately want what is best for you. This does not mean that your boundaries won’t disappoint them. I am learning that my loved ones’ disappointment in the moment is an indication of their humanity, which is something that I want to hold space for given my love for them. The other day, my brother traveled all the way from New Jersey to visit our family in Michigan. I passed through for dinner, but that was all that I had capacity for that weekend. He, rightfully so, was disappointed and had some words for me. And I let him have them. I still took myself back home early that day! It’s okay, because at the end of the week, we’ll be chopping it up to discuss the Knicks comeback (#orangeandblueskiesbaby)! The initial discomfort that results from boundary setting usually isn’t permanent. In the past, I feared setting boundaries with people I cared about because I thought it would make them love me less. This is unfair to those people since it implies that I believe they do not actually love me. I have amazing people in my life who love me as much as I love them. I am trying to set boundaries with this in mind.
I have learned that setting boundaries was especially challenging for me because my goals were not meaningful to me. My initial goal — graduating with a PhD — wasn’t enough to convince me to prioritize myself. I rationalized that I could technically, eventually, theoretically defend my dissertation while trying to be everything to everyone else. At least the latter made me feel competent, capable, and helpful, which were foreign feelings to me in graduate school. Once I clarified my goal to defend my dissertation by April 2025 with strong physical, mental, and emotional health, boundary setting no longer felt optional. Seriously pursuing my goals requires that I make decisions daily that make me a priority. It is hard to worry about what others are doing when you are trying to finish 64 oz of water and find time to pee. “I’m drinking my water and minding my business.” suddenly makes a lot of sense!
Eventually, I want to get to a point where I do not need a goal to convince me that I am worth prioritizing. When asked what relationship advice she would give to others, Viola Davis said to remember that, “you are the love of your life.” The phrase “setting boundaries” feels transactional. It does not feel like an adequate description of a process developed out of self-love and self-worth, which are essential to being well physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. These days, instead of saying, “I am setting boundaries,” I’m proclaiming that “I’m taking care of/loving myself.”
I am learning that showing up is more than being present physically. This year, I am missing out on a lot — weddings, baby showers, sweet 16 birthdays. As hard as this is, it is requiring me to take time to think about the significance of my relationships and how I want to celebrate them with love, gratitude, and intention. I used to believe my presence was the present. Unfortunately, I was wearing my body down, using makeup and a poppin’ outfit to cover my fatigue while dreading the aftermath of my decisions. I was giving from a place of scarcity, and even if it was not apparent to the people I was showing up for, I deeply felt it, and it did not feel honest. When I give from overflow, it is/feels different.
Most importantly, I am learning that when you set boundaries you have to sustain them. The other day, I was sitting around thinking, “why hasn’t my mama called me? Doesn’t she want to know how I’m doing? At that moment, I realized she wasn’t calling because I was supposed to be writing.
In the end, I’m not where I want to be, but I am not where I used to be. That is worthy of celebration.
Take good care of yourselves.
With love and gratitude,
Mimi